Midterm season is right around the corner and you’re probably starting to experience the existential dread and misfortune that derives from the sudden realization of your mortality and the futility of life itself.
Don’t you worry! #Relatable has got you covered! Get yourself a cup of coffee, your favorite pen, and all your repressed angst from years of self-denial as we give you 5 super, super easy steps to de-stress!
1. Take a Deep Breath
No matter how much work you have to get done, it’s always important to take a deep breath. Take a few minutes out of your schedule to just clear your mind, breath deeply through your nose, and exhale out your mouth. Repeat this for as many times as it takes for you to regain your sense of worth temporarily before you spin out of control a few minutes later. This allows you to clear your head and provide you fleeting minutes before you realize that we all will die in the end and that our desire for fame and fortunate is a fruitless desire that leads us to waste out lives away. Also after a few breaths, you can really get back to work!
2. Scream Endlessly Into the Void
Screaming your pain and suffering into the void allows you to air all of your dirty laundry from years of self-doubt and consequences without the burden of moral judgment that society inordinately places on you. Screaming is also a therapeutic way of getting over your untapped anger for a bright, fleeting minute or two of primal rage and fury. Now go ahead and vent it all out to the philosophical manifestation of nothingness in the deep, deep vacuum of space where no one can hear you scream.
Since we are on the subject of space…
3. Blame it on Mercury in Retrograde
Why deal with your stress in a constructive fashion when you can blame it on the alignment of the planets? Instead, blame your state of perpetual angst and frustration on a series of astrological phenomenon that are published in only top level media publications like tabloids and by someone who looks like this:
Why not? All those cool art school students who chain smoke menthols, drink lacroix, and complain about their design internships do it! And you want to be cool …. right?
4. Replicate the Eternal Punishment of Sisyphus
Live the most out of your absurd, repetitive life and engage in the eternally futile task of rolling a boulder to the top of a great hill for your hopes and dreams to be constantly dashed away by the inevitable failure of your expenditure. For every moment you push onto the mighty boulder of metaphors, contemplate how the mere state of existence has gotten you entangled into this mighty cycle of absurd suffering and pain which you soon will inevitably come to terms with.
5. Let Go of All Earthly Attachments and Desires
Circumvent the trappings of your wanton existential dread and considered giving up all your earthly possessions and desires in order to follow the path towards self-enlightenment. By removing one’s access to impulses, one removes the key source of pain in life: want. By living a life of asceticism and morality, one removes all forms of suffering and goes onto a higher plane of existence and self-actualization never before seen in the Western World.
Good luck on your midterms and your disengagement with all that is material, wanton, and impulsive in the world!